On Thursday, December 10, Upper School Counselor David Hotaling and the Parent Education Committee hosted an online chat to discuss mental health challenges. These challenging times have led many of us (adults and students alike) to experience an increase in symptoms often associated with depression or anxiety. Although these mental health challenges are likely situational rather than biochemical in nature for many of us, we can all benefit from commonly prescribed therapeutic practices that call on us to be more aware and intentional in our thoughts and actions. Gratitude, mindfulness, and resilience are among the topics Hotaling covered.
The session began with parents introducing themselves, sharing the grades of their children, and what concerns they’re facing right now. A couple of parents came just for the information, and several shared a variety of observations that the participants could relate to, including a loss of independence and socializing, worries about the natural social maturation that usually happens at these ages, finding balance between school and home (especially when distance learning), mourning the loss of traditions, worrying about what other MICDS families are doing on the weekends and whether they are making decisions that keep the community safe and healthy. The common theme seemed to be that all our kids are struggling right now, for different reasons and to different degrees, but Hotaling offered some great tips and fostered a collaborative conversation where parents could share what works for their families.
He also shared what he’s seeing in the Upper School student body. “I think most of our students are coping pretty well,” he said. “They’re resilient; they’re doing a good job. Test anxiety is a bit higher. There are subtle changes but nothing significant.” He noted that the number of students reaching out about anxiety and depression is not higher than in previous years, and he suspects that many students are finding support from parents and peers.
Research shows that the most effective treatment of depression and anxiety is therapy and medication, and that medication is usually considered after other methods are employed. Hotaling shared strategies that he and other therapists often use, which includes therapeutic interventions and things we might naturally do that are basic to taking care of each other as humans. The four themes of resilience, reframing, gratitude, and self-care are good guideposts. See the bottom of this article for links to great resources from Hotaling.
Resilience
Hotaling explained that while some of us are born with more resilience than others, it’s not a personality trait. There are behaviors, thoughts, and actions that anyone can learn to build their resilience, kind of like building up muscle through exercise. Building connections and relationships, fostering wellness, finding purpose in life, and embracing healthy thoughts are all conducive to building resilience. When working with students, Hotaling often starts with a strengths-based approach. “If they come to me with a problem or situation they aren’t handling well, if they’re in a deficit model,” he explained, “I work with them and get to know them and their strengths. We focus on those strengths, learning who they are as people and sharing stories of success. We then identify and pick up attributes they can apply to those challenging situations.” Sometimes he begins by having students take a character strengths survey, which is helpful for both student and counselor to identify strengths. Hotaling said that while we are definitely experiencing losses with the pandemic, we’ll also have gains. We will come out the other side with new strategies for dealing with stress.
Reframing
Hotaling shared a tool he often uses with students that parents might find helpful: a worksheet outlining unhelpful thinking styles (see link for worksheet in Resources below). He explained that all of us fall into these unhelpful thinking styles from time to time when we are in a negative space and encouraged parents to look through the categories and identify what we tend to do. Magnification or catastrophizing is common among teens, he said, along with emotional reasoning. Emotional reasoning is saying “if I have a feeling about something, it must be real.” He encouraged parents to talk with their children, and “if you find yourself, or your child, getting stuck or feeling negative, pull this out and see if you’re applying one or more of them to the situation. “Once you’ve identified what you’re doing, it can be easier to check yourself, pull yourself out, and find an alternate explanation or viewpoint.”
It’s also important to normalize feelings and let students experience their feelings fully. Don’t go into problem-solving mode, he said. Let them have their meltdown because it helps to get it out. The feeling is there for a reason and we need to experience it and then move on. Maintain good, open communication. It can be hard with different personalities, but try to maintain open communication and continue to be a resource for them.
Gratitude
While Hotaling offered helpful resources for gratitude, he admits that he doesn’t necessarily use these tricks with students as much as he does with adults. He also says that sometimes it’s just too hard to find gratitude, and that’s okay. “It’s good to let those feelings flow,” he said.
One trick to find gratitude on days when it’s hard? Go for a walk either by yourself or with a loved one. “It’s a nice way to spend time together, helps you feel part of a bigger world, and can help you feel grateful.” With teenagers, especially teen boys, walks are a great way to have a conversation that might be too uncomfortable face-to-face. Hotaling advises walking consciously, paying attention and looking for things. There’s a difference between a mindless walk and a mindful walk, although both have their advantages. On a mindful walk, be aware of the sights, sounds, and smells as you go.
Self-Care
Self-Care and gratitude overlap quite a bit, but self-care is where Hotaling usually begins when he’s working with students. “Start with the basics,” he said, “because if we’re not taking care of the basics, other things aren’t going to work as well.” What are the basics? Food, sleep, and exercise. Once those are down, it’s good to practice mindfulness and meditation. Hotaling often takes advantage of quick trainings for students on how to breathe, and how to pay attention to your breathing.
Positive social interactions are important for all of us, but especially kids. They need to be around other students who make them feel good. Students should be encouraged to recognize the relationships that drag them down, and when they’re with other people who make them feel good about themselves, or at least neutral.
Creative outlets are also important, such as art and music. Establish weekly routines, if not daily. Students can identify self-soothing routines, or “what do you do to make yourself feel better?” Naps, a cup of tea, a warm bath, or a piece of good chocolate can all help. So can getting outside, taking care of pets, volunteering, and making sure you have balance in your life. Hotaling asked the group, “Have you noticed which self-care tactics are impactful for your kids? What do they really need to do to be okay?” He encourages all parents to pay special attention to these tactics. He noticed with both himself and his children that food is really important. “My mood is based on whether we’ve eaten,” he shared.
Hotaling and Vicki Thurman, Director of Student Support Services, both noted that students today are prioritizing sleep more than they used to. They surmise that students recognized how good they felt in the spring, when sports and other extra-curricular activities were canceled and they found more time to rest.
At the end, Hotaling thanked parents for logging on and explained that, in addition to serving students, he also serves faculty and parents. “If you ever want to talk, vent frustration or whatever, please reach out to me. I’m happy to support parents,” he said.
Have a suggestion for a future Counselor Chat? Please email Mr. Hotaling.
Interested in receiving reminders about upcoming Parent Education events? Email lsparenteducation@micds.org for the Lower School, msparenteducation@micds.org for the Middle School, and usparenteducation@micds.org for the Upper School. You will remain on the list into the next school year automatically.
Here are some helpful resources from Mr. Hotaling:
Resource on resilience from the APA
Reframing Resource: Unhelpful Thinking Styles
Gratitude Resource from GGSC
Here’s a quick Gratitude Activity from GGSC
Set aside 20 minutes to take a gratitude walk outside by yourself every day for a week. Try to stick to this schedule unless the weather is extremely bad. As you walk, try to notice as many positive things around you as you can. These can be sights, sounds, smells, or other sensations. For example, you could focus on the breathtaking height of a tree you never really noticed before, the intricate architecture of a building on your block, the dance of sunshine off a window or puddle, the smell of grass or flowers, or the way other people look out for each other as they navigate crowded streets. As you notice each of these positive things, acknowledge each one in your mind—don’t just let them slip past you. Pause for a moment as you hear or see each thing and make sure it registers with your conscious awareness, really take it in. Try to identify what it is about that thing that makes it pleasurable to you. Try to walk a different route each day so you don’t become too accustomed to any of these things and start to take them for granted.